Joke for the day

Jokes and funny stories

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crazyhorse
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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Sun Apr 16, 2017 12:26 am

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?

NO says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.

NO says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike.

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...

Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...


YOU RIDE IT!! :D

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Sun Apr 16, 2017 12:28 am

We have a new grocery store in our area. When you approach the produce section you hear thunder and a fine mist rains down on the produce with an aroma is released of a fresh spring day. When you approach the meat isle you hear cows mooing and the aroma of charcoal steaks and onions fills the air. As you approach the egg area, you can hear hens clucking and smell bacon and eggs frying.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.... :D

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Fri May 05, 2017 4:23 am

Cow Cop: Do u know why I bulled you over?

Cow: A mooving violation?

Cow Cop: Erratic steering!

Cow: That's udderly ridiculous.

Cow Cop: Don't give me no beef. :D

:fr: :fr: :fr: :fr:

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dudingbos
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Re: Joke for the day

Postby dudingbos » Sun Aug 13, 2017 2:11 pm

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri. Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby dudingbos » Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:04 pm

Here's another one:
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my illegal logging business is a success.

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby dudingbos » Tue Aug 15, 2017 6:54 am

Aaaand another one. It would be great if other people than me would reply, though :D

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
To the horse-pital.
Haha, nah, just kidding, it gets shot.

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Wed Aug 16, 2017 11:46 pm

What new crop did the farmer plant?
(Beets me!)
Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
(Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)

Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!)

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
(Where's pop?)

Why did the cabbage win the race?
(Because it was ahead!)

Why was the cucumber mad?
(Because it was in a pickle. :D

:fr: :fr: :fr: :fr:

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:08 am

cRead until the end .... you'll laugh.


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the house . We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

We go up stairs to bed then sit up in bed and pull up the covers. We wake up the next morning, get up go to the breakfast table and pull up a chair. After breakfast we fill the sink up with water and gather up the dirty dishes and wash them up and put them up in the cabnet.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Well I am getting UP from this chair, crank Up my Ford pick UP, drive it Up to the store, gas it UP & get a cold 7 UP before I pick UP some mulched UP wood chips.

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?


U


:D :fr: :fr:

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:35 pm

A minister was completing a temperance sermon and with
Great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down... :pray:

The song leader stood and announced
With a smile,

For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,

Shall We Gather at the River.

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:43 am

The Husband got out of bed & saw a note his wife had left on the table.
It read:

John Deere, I am leaving you.
In Case you don't know why, it is because my cousin Oliver told me you were messing around with Allis-Chalmers .
I can't believe I thought you were on the Farmall those times. :D

:fr: :fr: :fr: :fr:

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby jzjames » Sat Oct 07, 2017 10:57 am

My pet bird has a canary-al disease --

chirpies!

it's untweetable!

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Three girls meet up after their first semester of college

Postby farmallmta » Fri Oct 27, 2017 8:09 pm

One girl completed a semester at Harvard, another completed a semester at Yale, and the third girl completed her semester at Southeastern Regional Community College.

The Harvard girl says, "I have a 3.5 GPA in all my pre-med classes, my boyfriend is captain of the football team, and I've been selected to participate in a "Young People Who Will Determine the Future of the World" forum at the White House!" The Yale girl smiles condescendingly while the community college girl squeals, "FANTASTIC!"

The Yale girl says, "I have a 4.0 GPA in three majors, Political Science, Economics and Pre-Law, my boyfriend is a Rhodes Scholar who's headed to Great Britain to advise and consult with the British Parliament next semester, and I've been selected to be one of 2 interns for the United States Supreme Court this summer!" The Harvard girl smiles icicles and manages to murmer, "how nice!" The community college girl claps her hands and says with utter joy, "FAN! TAS! TIC!"

The other two girls look at her and say, "well? aren't you going to tell us how your first semester went at... COMMUNITY COLLEGE?"

The third girl, says, "well... actually, not so great. I'm on academic probation for bad grades in my remedial classes that are supposed to get me up to college level reading and math skills. My boyfriend got busted selling pot on campus and is going to jail. Worst of all, I'm pregnant and I'm not real sure who the father is. But I guess one positive thing I've gotten out of my semester at Community College is, I've learned to say "FANTASTIC!" instead of "BULLLLLSSSSSH!T!"

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These siamese twins walk into a bar...

Postby farmallmta » Sun Oct 29, 2017 12:58 am

Everybody notices them because they're gorgeous blondes, two pretty heads on one body. A guy strikes up a conversation with them, they have a fun time talking to him, so after lots of drinks, they invite him back to their place. Once there, one twin and the guy make passionate love while the other twin plays the trombone. Then, she makes passionate love to the guy while her satisfied sister plays the saxophone. The guy manages to leave the next morning on shaky legs and a huge smile on his face.

The next Saturday night they're discussing what to do and one of the twins suggest going back to the bar and finding that guy again. The other thinks for a bit and says, "gee, I don't know... what if he doesn't remember us?"

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby jzjames » Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:40 pm

November is National Impotency Month...
...but I can’t get excited about it.

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Re: Joke for the day

Postby crazyhorse » Fri Nov 10, 2017 2:20 am

Boudreaux was in the big city and shopping at a high end electronics store when he comes across a device he just can't hardly believe has been invented. So he buys himself a genuine lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, more out of curiosity than anything.
He gets the robot back home and decides to test it out during suppertime that night. Boudreaux asks his son, T-Boud, what he did that afternoon. T-Boud says, "I did some homework me."
The robot slaps T-Boud.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, I was at my friend's house watching movies."
Boudreaux asks, "What movie did you watch my boy?"
T-Boud says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps him again.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Boudreaux says, "What?!!? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps Boudreaux.
Marie laughs and says, "Well, dat certainly is your boy."
The robot slaps Marie.
The robot is now for sale.

:fr: :fr:


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